Mastication in Public

A little something to chew on as you consider whether we have evolved or devolved from our chimpanzee ancestors: why do people gnaw on food with their mouths agape like some sort of inbred mongrel? Setting aside the question of people who have colds (who should be 1) eating soup anyway or 2) not in public), this is among the most disgusting displays of which the human body is capable. And you don’t even have to take my word for it. There is an airline affinity group that is simply agog over this epidemic: http://www.airliners.net/discussions/non_aviation/read.main/1824645/ . And just so that this powerful irony is not lost on anyone, these are people who like airlines and are still so disgusted when someone is chewing his (excuse me, his or her) cud within earshot that it gets their tea kettles rattling. I myself am so apoplectic about this problem that I’m having trouble getting through in a compelling way.

Let’s try this. Let’s take the often used cud-chewing metaphor. I’m speaking now to the perpetrators of this crime against human decency.

This is how people perceive you:

So your presence conjures up images of a barnyard animal that eats grass, regurgitates it, swallows it again, lather, rinse, repeat. But I see no reason why this should deter you since everyone around you is probably already regurgitating anyway thanks to the quick work you made of that week-old banana.

Now, coming back to those members of society who’ve learned to walk upright, create fire, and keep our digestive processes entirely inside our corpuses, I do think there’s hope for the future. I think we have to believe that we are the change we know we can be. When the cynics tell us we’re naïve to think that we can live in a world where we believe in the power of our own sense of self-satisfaction, I say we turn the page to a new chapter in our civilization.

And so, here is my modest proposal. First, we must model the behavior we expect to see in others. I myself have been tempted to crunch on a big bundle of celery sticks one at a time, tongue wagging, food bits falling out of the largest hole in my head, just to make the point to these mouth-breathers how displeasing their behavior is to others. However in this situation, two wrongs don’t make a right, but they do make me want to jab myself in the temples with a fork. So for the love of creamed corn, do not solve the world’s problems by demonstrating its worst qualities.

Not to worry, though, I would not leave you without recourse. Nothing is more satisfying or efficient than violent self help. To that end, I propose a proactive measure. You know, I heard once (and I really should try to attribute it because it’s so true) that it takes 247 muscles in your face to frown but only 5 muscles to reach out your hand and bitchslap someone across the face. An alternative for you pacifist Code Pinkers out there would be to go to the offender’s office or place of business and shout obscenities at them while wearing the Keds you tried to dye with Pepto-Bismol in your sink last night. This also, is an effective approach.

Finally, don’t under-estimate the twin Judeo-Catholic powers of guilt and shaming. It might go something like this, “We spent all that money sending you to fancy college so you could sit in the basement smoking pot with your friends all day?!? And chew with your mouth closed!” It might also be along the lines of, “I blame myself for not raising you with manners or respect for others. I am sorry to have failed you, and everyone in the world that now has to put up with you, so miserably.”