If the good Lord had intended for you to use your tongue to give someone a dental exam, we would not have Hepatitis. It so happens, though, that your last round of collagen injections is not what is causing your lips to be all puffy and filled with toxins; that friends, is what we call natural selection. Despite what you may be thinking, I am not here to admonish your “cavalier behavior.” What you do in plain view of the neighbors because you forgot to close your blinds is your own business; which brings me to my point. If you want to slobber all over your significant other like a Saint Bernard, that is none of my business and I’d like to keep it that way.
It seems our fair city has been afflicted with an epidemic of offensive public displays of total lack of self control. Everywhere I cast my eyes I encounter young people making soft core on city streets without a paycheck or a camera. Of course the reason they are not getting a paycheck is because no one is buying what they are selling. Eyes Wide Shut notwithstanding, do not be fooled by the idealized portrayals of romance purveyed by that most honest and productive of our American industries. Watching two people trying to suck the saliva off of each other’s uvulas is not an attractive sight.
What continues to gall me is why people find it acceptable to succumb to this temptation while forgoing so many others. Other than our striped-shirted friends who from time to time take the trouble to cross the great water, we do not defecate in the streets. Nor do we clip our fingernails in a library (sigh, that is a story for another day). Nor do we throw our empty plastic bottle into the spokes of the bicyclist who nearly killed us running a red light (though one of these days, one of them is going to get it and then we’ll see them try to ring that damn bell with a broken wrist). When dogs cannot control their urge to hump things, we put them in crates and don’t think for a second that I would not do the same to you if anyone made a crate big enough.
A related issue is the need for 1) fat and 2) insecure (see #1) men to always grab onto areas of their unsuspecting female companions’ anatomy that normally require a special doctor. This looks as though they are addressing one of two concerns. Either they are worried that their conquest will somehow escape (and who could blame her?), or they are checking to make sure that all of the expected parts are indeed there. In any case, whether she has designs to flee or is somehow missing an essential component without which she is worthless to you is none of mine or anyone else’s business (so long as your story does not wind up on a very special Law & Order). So we must find some solution to my having to watch you attempt to reduce to possession that poor waif who only wanted a big diamond and modest domestic staff. Here again, we can look to Mother Nature for guidance. When animals in the wild want to mark their territory, they just pee on it. Alright then gentlemen, button up those striped shirts and let ‘er rip, so long as you get that out of the way at home.
