Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Emperor's New T-Shirt

There is something of a delicious (read: appalling) irony of New York calling itself the fashion capital of the world. The latest trend apparently is to not wear any clothes. At least this is what I gather from the fact that no one seems to put on actual clothes anymore. The streets are filled with half-dressed do-nothings wearing wholly insufficient amounts of shirt. On a good day you can spot at least a baker’s dozen of these individuals sporting only a v neck undershirt and a keffia.


If we were inclined to give our sartorial offenders the benefit of the doubt, we might presume that they are such busy and productive people that they simply do not have time to put on clothes in the morning. If they’re not out of the house in fewer than the 30 seconds it would have taken to put on an actual shirt, the nuclear launch codes will fall into the hands of the terrorists. And of course by nuclear launch codes I mean excessively tight pants, and by terrorists, I mean people who wake up before the breakfast menu items are no longer available at McDonalds.


An alternative explanation is that New Yorkers are so post-fashion that no actual clothes could possibly capture their trail-blazing sense of style. The internal monologue goes something like this: “Wearing clothes is so April of 2009. Wouldn’t it be edgy slash borderline indecent exposure if I just walked around in my underwear? Yes, yes it would. I’m gonna do it, here I go, out the door, wearing nothing by my crocs and the wife beater I fell asleep in last night. [Shields his eyes as he walks outside into the 2 pm sunlight]. Hey, it’s working! People are really intrigued. I am so fashion forward that I’m giving these jokers whiplash.”


But the most likely explanation of all, sad to say, is that our friends on the metaphorical and physical island are mindless snobs who would wear anything “on trend” as long as it’s overpriced. See e.g. American Apparel. A metaphor about bridges and lemmings comes to mind, but I’ll leave that for you fully clothed readers to figure out.


Of course this forum is something of a how-to on manners and etiquette, our lack of a proper title notwithstanding, so those of you who have been following along may wonder how this discussion relates to the theme. The fundamental problem is simple: we do not want people walking around in their underwear because they are generally flabby, sweaty, and altogether disgusting. We know this is true and before you release your indignant guffaw, think back to the last time someone asked you to pose for a Mr. or Ms. can’t-pay-for-my-education calendar and then let’s move on. The more complicated issue then is the insufficient clothing worn by people who we might prefer to see with even less clothing. Walking around showing off the fruits of your exercise bulimia is an affront to all job-holding, red-meat eating Americans trying to get through the day without a constant reminder of the crippling self-consciousness. I’m sorry if your daddy didn’t love you as a child and if you want to shake your moneymaker in the privacy of a dark bar or hipster coffeehouse, that’s your business. But for heaven’s sake put some clothes on when you go out in daylight.