What’s Wrong With America: Part I

The problem that I have with human beings is twofold, keeping in mind that I take as a given the fact that the only difference between humans and dolphins is that humans have invented language (both animals are mammals with blowholes). First, there’s the physical annoyance of noise pollution, which seems to be most pronounced in the females of the species between the ages of 13 and 40. Second, there’s content component of speech which is like a kind of demented Google where people blurt out all sorts of incoherent and useless information as though it were fact…so I guess, actually it’s like actual Google. Though, unfortunately, I don’t have the capability to make this an audio-visual experience, I think an example might serve as a good jumping off point for our conversation (and yes, this exchange did actually happen, though I desperately wish that it hadn’t):

(Scene: It’s 7 pm on the Washington DC metro, which means you have a lot of irritated bureaucrats who just want to sit in silence and be pissed that their incompetent bosses made them work past the 5pm quittin’ bell.)

Man on Metro: Hi, how long have you been here?

Apparently British woman: Just a few days.

Man on Metro: I find it very confusing to get around this city, don’t you?

Apparently British woman: No, not really.

Man on Metro: I’ve been here three days, I just moved to Virginia from California. Where do you live?

Apparently British woman’s husband: We’re just visiting.

Man on Metro: I noticed you had an accent, where are you from?

Apparently British woman’s husband: We’re from London.

Man on Metro: I visited London once about 30 years ago. I really liked it a lot. Although, isn’t it true that the women there do not have a lot of educational opportunities?

Apparently British woman: Not really. Our daughter goes to university.

Man on Metro: Well, I guess things are changing. Who is going to win the election?

Apparently British woman’s husband: I wouldn’t know, we don’t really follow that stuff very closely.

Man on Metro: I’ll tell you [long pause, then says knowingly:] Barack Obama.

Apparently British woman: [Getting off at next available stop.] Nice meeting you.



Everyone please stop talking. It was one thing when you were just pissing me off…I’m fairly docile and I can’t find the key to my gun cabinet. But this is getting out of hand; you’re becoming a national embarrassment. The problem is that the world thinks Americans are stupid, and this is based solely on the fact that only the stupid ones don’t know when to shut their yap. So please, if you value world order, pipe down before I cause an international incident with your face.